The Search For Me

Well, today was the day. The divorce is final. I am a single man again!

I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I tossed and turned. I got up and watched tv. I tossed and turned some more. I finally fell asleep sometime after 2:30. Alarm was set for 6:30.

I always like to be up well before I have to do anything. I like to have time to take care of things and eat breakfast and get around without rushing. So I set my alarm for 6:30 even though I didn’t have to be to court until 9:30.

So I got up this morning and was dead tired. I got around, had a good breakfast, and headed to court. My ex met me there and we went in to sign the papers. Easy stuff. We signed the papers, we filled out a form, and we were divorced. Afterwards, we headed back to my place. She had a couple things of mine that she found and wanted to return. We also had to go through the Christmas ornaments and decorations to make sure we each had what was ours. We were both very civil to each other and left things with a hug. I wish her well and hope that she finds what she’s looking for.

So now I am single again. And life is good.

I am not sure where the blog goes from here. Or even IF it goes on. Heck, I don’t even know how many people still read it. You have all been so helpful. From those first posts, where I was in tears the whole time I was writing them, to now, your support has meant the world to me and I cannot thank you enough. Without you all, I would not be where I am now. I would still be a blubbering mess. I would still be mourning the loss of my marriage. Because of you, I am ready to face the world as a single man again.

Thank you all for all of the love and support. I love you all.

Matt

I am so confused. I don’t know why my life is going the way it is. I seem to be spiraling into this strange, lonely depression and I don’t know how to escape.

She is happy. All the time. She has no job, will have no home soon, and will have to move back in with her parents. But she is sooooo fucking happy. Hey, she’s gotten rid of me. What doesn’t she have to be happy about?

I don’t get it. What the hell did I do that was so bad? How was I so evil?

I never hit her like her first husband. I didn’t abuse her kids like her second. I never went out and cheated on her. Hell, I never left the house except for work.

She says I didn’t pay her enough attention. She says I left her alone.

I kind-of understand. I guess I spent too much time in my office. I guess I could have taken her out more or done more with her.

But she didn’t make it easy.

I work evenings. Yet every time I came home, she was already in bed. Since she didn’t have a job and didn’t have any reason to get up early, I don’t see why she couldn’t stay up to see me then. She was in school, but she took online classes. Every time I would try to go spend time with her, she was doing schoolwork.

Why couldn’t she do her schoolwork while I was at work? Since my schedule was inflexible and hers was flexible, why couldn’t she adjust to spend more time with me? Why was I the bad guy here?

She says I was never there for her. Well, except whenever she needed me and I dropped everything for her. The first 5 years I was at this job I never took a sick day for me, yet took several to be there for her. Every vacation we took was to someplace that she wanted to go. Even the ones where we went back to Michigan to see my family we spent very little time with my family because she wanted to do other things.

I lost all of my friends because of her. I lost myself because of her. And now I sit here, all alone, wondering how I will ever be able to find myself again.

I do have a few friends around here. Work friends. But they are all married or a lot younger than me. No one who wants to go hang out somewhere where I will meet people. I don’t even know where those places are. I always had a built-in method of meeting people. Most of my life before her I was in school. It’s a lot easier to be single when you’re surrounded by other single people your same age all day. Now I am single and surrounded by kids and married people. Of course, to top it off, I am in the middle of nowhere. At least in Detroit there were millions of people around. Here there is hardly anyone.

I have tried to start online dating. Sent out dozens of emails and got 1 reply. And that one reply is from a girl who is kind-of skiddish about online dating. So she is hardly saying anything and I don’t even know if she’s really interested or not.

It’s not even that I need a girlfriend right now. I don’t even care about that. It’s just someone to sit and talk to. I know I have a lot of friends out there on the interwebs, and I cherish every one of you, but it’s just not the same as sitting down, talking to someone face-to-face. I don’t have family down here. I don’t have any friends here outside of work. I was never allowed to. She would yell and scream if I tried to do anything without her, and she never liked any of the people I did. So we either had to go out, just us, or not go out at all.

Maybe I deserve this. She always said I ignored her to spend time on the computer. Now I am all alone with just my computer.

I guess I need to start hitting the bar again. I don’t like that thought. I’ve been there, done that. Besides, I don’t want to be the creepy old guy sitting at the bar alone. This is a college town, so most of the bar patrons are 21-22. A 35-year-old sitting in a college bar just seems wrong.

Oh well. I guess I will just keep trying. I’ll strengthen some of my work friendships. I will strengthen my online friendships, no matter how far away they may be.

The funny thing is, since I have been so depressed lately about being alone, I have begun isolating myself more. A little counter-productive, right? It’s a horrible cycle. I am so depressed that I stop talking to people. then I get even more depressed because no one is talking to me.

I guess I just need to get over it. I was the life of the party once. I can be him again. I was always outgoing and fun. She killed that. If I ever talked to people she would accuse me of cheating. (I gotta love the irony that she always accused me of cheating at the drop of a hat, yet she’s the one who left me for another man.) I was so afraid of those accusations that I just stopped talking to people. I need to get back to where I was 10 years ago. I need to stop this endless cycle I am in.

Thank you all for reading. I truly am blessed to have friends like you who will listen to me rant like this. I just wish you all lived closer so we could hang out. <3 you all.

I’m really annoyed today. Even more pissy than normal.

It started Thursday. I was all set to have a good Thanksgiving. I wrote out what I was thankful for, and was ready to make myself a great lunch, using a microwave and crock-pot. Yes, it is possible. Email me if you want the details.

My ex saw my posting on Facebook. Same one I made here. And decided to start some shit. She started telling me how she didn’t leave me alone and invited me to dinner but I turned her down. Actually, she asked what I was doing and I said I had to work. Then I tried to get myself invited over, but she never took the hint. That kind-of ticked me off.

Then, on Friday, she called to see how I was doing, so I invited her over for some pumpkin pie. She came over and spent the whole time bragging about how she had a date with another guy Saturday.

Great.

Good for you.

So why isn’t this new guy comforting you when someone else screws you over? Why isn’t he there helping you figure out how you’re going to get out of the mess you’re in? Why are you screwing with my emotions?

She has been talking to me a lot lately, but I have been realizing that she only calls when she wants something. She needs money, she needs someone to comfort her, she needs help deciding something. But whenever I need something, she just ignores me or brushes it off.

It’s getting a little old.

So I have tried to ignore her this weekend. It’s kind of hard, since she is filling her facebook with posts about how great her life is and how happy she is. I want to block her so bad, but I don’t need the drama that would create.

It wouldn’t be so bad, I guess, if I were not where I am relationship-wise. I finally broke down and went onto an online dating site and started putting myself out there. I don’t like the bar scene. I’ve never been into it, and now I’m just getting a little old for it. So I am trying online dating again. I have had mixed results with it in the past. Met a few great girls, a few duds, and my ex-wife.

This time, it’s weird. I have put out several messages and gotten 0 replies. None. Nada. Zip, zero, ziltch.

I don’t know what the deal is. I have read and re-read my profile. I have double-checked my pictures. Yet no one wants to talk to me. Half of them read my email but never even looked at my profile. What the heck? I spend a lot of time on those messages. Customizing them and talking about their profile and how I am like what they say they want. I am witty, fun, and interesting.

Maybe I am just an ugly loser who doesn’t get to have another chance. Maybe I’m done now. Maybe I don’t get another girl.

Ok, I’m not THAT depressed yet. I know I’m going to date again. I’d just really like to get started. While I like my alone-time, I like my together-time as well. It’s just a little rough when I don’t have someone to share my life with.

I guess I need to try something new.Maybe check out Starbucks or something. Though I don’t have a laptop, so that won’t work so well. There really isn’t much to do in this town. And I don’t feel like driving 45 minutes to the nearest bigger town to try and pick someone up.

Pick someone up? That’s not what I want. I don’t want a woman who wants to be picked up. I want someone looking to be my girlfriend. Someone who cares about me and who I care about. Someone who I can call whenever I need to. Someone who’s call I actually want to answer. (I don’t think I ever picked up a call from my ex more than 2 seconds before the phone stopped ringing.)

You know, looking back on my posts lately, I have been very depressed and negative. I really should apologize to anyone who actually still reads these. I know it can be tough to listen to someone who is always a downer. I’m going to try to be more up-beat. It’s just a little tough when the things I have to be happy about are few and far between.

Maybe I need a new mod. Or some new juices. I’m running a little low, so maybe I should try some new suppliers and get back into the more exciting aspects of vaping, like modding and homebrew. Hmmm. Maybe. I do have a couple of mods that are halfway done.

I don’t know. I am just kind-of blah at the moment. Maybe it’s because I’m sick. Maybe it’s because my legs hurt and I can barely walk. Or maybe it’s just because I have been sitting in this house all weekend.

I have been looking forward to this weekend for months. The first time since July that I have had a 2-day weekend. Two days in a row with no work, no moving, no building or tearing down. Nothing required of me.

Maybe I need to not allow that to happen anymore. Maybe I should schedule something on weekends so I don’t have 2 days to think about my life. Thinking is always the worst option anymore. It never ends well.

Oh well. I guess I will try to send a few more messages and see what happens.

Anyone know a single lady who lives in the middle of nowhere and wants a date?

lol.

Thanks for reading. <3 you all.

What are you thankful for?

A simple enough question. Most will say their family or their friends or their new car.

This year I should be saying I’m thankful for nothing. After all, my wife left me just 3 months ago. She left me alone and 1,000 miles from my family. She left me with no one with whom to celebrate Thanksgiving.

But I am thankful.

I am thankful for my family. They are always there for me. To offer praise and congratulations when life is good. To offer condolences when life is not. To lift me up in the worst times. To be there with kind words when I need them most. Though they are 1,000 miles away, they are as close as a phone call, Facebook post, or text message. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful family. I know many who are not as fortunate.

I am thankful for my vaping friends. They have been there, 24/7, to offer advice and listen to my rants. They have read my blogs and offered their thoughts. Some have privately shared similar experiences and many have been there when I needed someone to talk to. Maybe even without knowing that simple comments were all I needed. Most don’t even know how much it means to me when they just say hello. I consider many of them very good friends, though we may have only met once or twice, or not even at all. I know that they are there for me whenever, and whatever, I need. And they know that I am there for them as well.

I am thankful for my coworkers. I have the most amazing job in the world and work with some of the greatest people I have ever met. They have been there for me over the last few months even when I have been moody and withdrawn. I am so thankful that they have shown such great support.

I am so thankful for all of you. Whether you be across the street, across the country, or across the world. Without you all, I would never be doing as well as I am. Being alone for Thanksgiving should have me sitting in a corner in severe depression. But it does not. I know that I have many people who care about me. And for that I am eternally grateful.

I am thankful for you. I and will remain thankful every minute of every day. <3

When i was a little kid, I used to look around for cameras. I used to think that my life was being broadcast across the world as some sort of soap opera. Years later a movie called “The Truman Show” came out and it was exactly how I had envisioned my life back then. That I was secretly being filmed and people were watching.

Man, they must be loving this episode.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was call her. I needed to know if she had found anything out. She had been busy. She has a friend who works giving homes to the homeless. She is going to help find my ex a place to stay. There is normally a waiting list, but she is going to try and skip a few steps. Another friend is trying to get her a job. Her friends are banding together to support her. Unfortunately it appears she will be moving a couple hours away.

I went with her to try and get a restraining order against the man she left me for. Yes, one of the strangest events I have ever been a part of. Unfortunately, this cannot be done ex-party, so she would have to confront him in front of a judge. She does not want to see him or be around him, so she has decided to wait and see if anything new develops before doing this.

She also called his bail bondsman. He agreed to revoke his bail at his next court appearance. This will keep her from being in any further financial trouble over him, but doesn’t get the money back that she already paid. For that she would have to take him to small claims court. Again, she doesn’t want to be around him, so she may just have to let this one go.

It is no surprise that she called me for support. It was all I was ever good for. I was never much of a husband, and I could never figure out how to be a good step-father. But whenever she needed me, I was there for her. Through her medical problems, surgeries, etc., through her problems with her ex, through everything.

It’s always been that way. I am a good listener. I know a lot of people say that, but ever since high school, when I was voted most absorbent shoulders, I have always found that I was good at helping people out with their problems. I had considered becoming a counselor at one point, but the schooling involved seemed daunting. But I always try to help anyone I can.

Anyways, whatever the reason she wanted me there, I wanted to be there too. I needed it. I needed to be with someone. To hold her close and just have that contact. It has been too long without it. It didn’t have to be her, just someone. Someone to hold.

Now I just have to find someone to hold that is not my ex-wife. lol.

After work tonight I went to the grocery store. I had wanted my ex to go with me, but she didn’t want to. Her daughter couldn’t sleep, however, and wanted to go so she accompanied me to the store.

I am so glad I got to talk to her. Without her other there, she was able to talk freely to me about what had been going on. I was not surprised by most of it, but some of it was pretty upsetting.

She had been told about moving and what was going on with the other guy. She told me about how her mom was drinking a lot and spending most of the time in her room talking to him rather than being with the kids. She was pretty upset about the whole thing. She told me that she had been spending more time staying at friends’ houses and how she was happy because her friend’s mom had sat down and talked to her the other day. Because her mom wasn’t talking to her much anymore.

I knew this guy had messed with my ex, but now I find out she was ignoring her kids and drinking a lot. Not good.

I haven’t had a chance to talk to my ex about this yet. I will try to talk to her tomorrow. It is not something I want to get involved in, but I have to. I hope she will understand and be able to rectify the situation.

It is kind of funny, though, me having to talk to her about this.

I was never much of a step-dad. I came from a solid home. My parents are still together and I never really knew anyone who was a step-parent. When I stepped into the role, I wasn’t sure what to do. When we were in Michigan, I was basically dad. They were so far away from their real dad that I had to fill in for him. When we moved back down here, I was stuck in a weird place. They had a dad. They had a mom. It wasn’t my job to teach them to throw a ball or to punish them for bad grades. I never could figure out what I was supposed to do, so I tended to avoid the situation. I tended to just sit in my office. Obviously that was not the correct solution. But I didn’t know what to do. Heck, there was a lot of the time that I was online researching how to be a step-dad. But everything I tried always seemed to be wrong. So I guess I just gave up.

So now I am in an even stranger situation. How to be an ex-step-dad. I guess I am trying to treat it more like an uncle situation. I know that one. Give em sugar and send em home.

Wait…

No…

That’s how to treat my real niece and nephews.

I guess I will just try to be their friend. Be there when they need me and hope that they still want me around every now and then.

But now they’re going to be so far away. I don’t know what I can do from here.

Not that I feel like I know anything right now. I am just really confused. My entire life was turned upside down. So were all of theirs. And now we all just have to pick up the pieces. It may take us a while, but eventually I know we can get there.

One day me and a new wife, her and a new husband, and all of the kids and their spouses and kids will be sitting around laughing about all of this.

And that will be the best episode of The Tasdad Show ever!

Thanks for reading and all of your support. I appreciate all of it. Seriously. Without all of you, I don’t know how I would be able to get through all of this. <3 to you all.

I just got home from 6 hours of talking to my ex. Very interesting conversation.

She called me tonight. She needed to talk. She wanted to come over. I knew what it was about before she even got here. The tone of her voice, the fact she was calling me, it was pretty obvious.

She broke up with him.

Yup, she admitted everything. They had been talking before we went to Disney World in July. After the trip she was starting to really question our relationship. Mostly because we didn’t spend much time together. She likes water parks, I like roller coasters, and there were a dozen of us there, so we all did what we felt like. Anyways, she started talking to him about how I didn’t show her affection every day and he started sweet talking her and basically talked her into leaving me.

She says they never did anything, just hung out and such, but she did tell me he was the reason she left me.

Since she left me and started seeing him, she has bought him food and alcohol and even bailed him out of jail when he was arrested for drunk driving(She actually called me to try and borrow money for his bail). Now she has discovered that he was seeing other women as well. One of these women has begun harassing her and he has threatened her. He was just using her the whole time.

Now she is destitute. She doesn’t have money for rent. She hasn’t payed some bills in months. She is about to be kicked out of her house.

She made a huge mistake and now can’t figure out how to get out of it.

She had a job lined up. A pretty good one as an event organizer at a retirement home. She turned the job down because it was in the same town as him and she doesn’t want to risk running into him. She can’t go to her parents because they have never been there for her. There is nowhere she can go and nothing she can do.

She is considering giving custody of the kids to their dad. The kids don’t want that. Half the time they don’t want to go over there on his weekends. But she has no other options. She can’t provide for them.

So now she is looking at what options she has. There are few available.

All she wanted was someone to pay attention to her. I didn’t realize how bad it was. He did. He took advantage of that. He used her. The when she didn’t have anything else to give, he dropped her.

I feel so bad. I still care about her so much. I wish I could just make it all better for her. Unfortunately I have my own problems. I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know what to do for her. I know it’s not my problem anymore, but I can’t let her deal with this alone. I have to do something. I just don’t know what.

What a strange night. Comforting my ex-wife about her relationship with the man she left me for. There’s a reality show in there somewhere.

<3

Today was kind of messed up.

My ex came over today. She was picking up boxes for her move. She brought her daughter with her, which was cool. I haven’t talked to her in a while and I miss her. They came in and saw the turtles, then went and grabbed the boxes, then spent a little time with the dog. We talked mostly pleasantries (how’s the move going, how’s school).

One thing I did notice, though. I still miss her. But she doesn’t miss me at all.

She has officially started dating the guy she left me for. She has lost weight. She is exercising every day and taking better care of herself. She has completely moved on and left me in the dust.

Of course she did have a head start.

Maybe I don’t miss her. Maybe I just miss having a relationship. Just having a woman to come home to. Someone to lay on the couch with. Someone to talk to about anything, anytime. Well, I do have people on twitter, facebook and skype I can talk to, but someone who I can actually see and touch would be nice.

For the last 8 years I always had that. There was always someone there.

Now there is not.

Maybe I just miss having someone to say “I love you” to. Or someone who will say it back. Maybe it’s not her, but just someone.

I don’t know. It really did make me think, though. I hadn’t thought I was lonely until she showed up. I guess I just hadn’t realized it.

She took so much from me. I gave up my career to move to Kansas so her kids could be closer to their dad. I devoted 8 years of my life to making her and her kids happy. I gave up the things I wanted to get them whatever they wanted. I gave up having friends because of her self-esteem issues. Everything I did over the last 8 years was for her or her kids.

I can never get some of those things back. I am working on becoming better friends with my co-workers, but there are so many potential friendships that I have missed out on. My college degree is all but completely useless. It has been 7 years since I graduated and I have not worked in the industry in all that time. There is no chance I will ever get back into theatre. I had dreams of going to Chicago or New York after graduation. Maybe eventually ending up on Broadway or London’s West End. I could have managed my own auditorium. I could have gone to Hollywood and done props or scenery for movies. I could have gone to graduate school. I could have done anything I wanted to.

But I chose them.

I chose to come here. The four-states. The place where dreams come to die.

I came here because I loved them.

I came here because I believed they loved me.

I was apparently wrong.

The boys have blocked me from their Facebooks. The girl has not, but she doesn’t talk to me. They have all made it clear that I am no longer part of their lives. They are moving on.

I guess it’s hard to blame them. I only saw them every other weekend. My work schedule has me working weeknights. I would leave for work before they got home from work and they would be in bed before I got home. And, of course, every other weekend they were with their dad. Even in the summer it seemed like there was always something going on. Thinking back there were a lot of times I could have spent more time with them. It just always seemed like I had plenty of time to do that stuff later.

Turns out later was too late.

So now I am alone. My wife has left me. My step-kids don’t care. My family is 1,000 miles away(that’s 1600 kilometers to my metric friends). All I have left are 2 turtles I bought for her and a dog that she brought home. Loneliness sucks.

The Christmas Party:

So I went to my company Christmas Party tonight. Of course my phone’s GPS didn’t know where the place is, so it got me lost. I finally got there and discovered that one of the videos I was in charge of didn’t burn to DVD right, so it crapped out in the middle.

I started drinking early on.

The main event was alright. A little fun, a few speeches. The boss had already been drinking before his speech so he was a little more fun than usual. But technical problems put a damper on much of the fun.(I usually set up the AV for these things, but this year we hired an outside company to do it and they sucked.)

We had a drawing for door prizes. I won a hammer. Not just any hammer, one of those cheesy hammers that has screwdrivers that unscrew from the handle. You can see a pic of it here: http://www.jackstoolshed.com/popup.aspx?src=images/product/large/2403_7_.jpg. I have a garage full of tools. I do not need this.

Did I mention that it is painted with pink flowers? Did I mention that it is worth around $5?

Woo hoo.

I am thinking I will give it to my step-daughter for her birthday next month. I was thinking about whether or not I should get her something and this seems like as good a gift as any.

Anyways, The party was what it was. Then a few of us went out to the bar and watched a cheesy cover band. We got bored with that and one of the girls played a little blackjack. She won $8 and decided to stop. We went to the bar and sat and talked for a while.

We talked for a while and had a good time before finally heading home.

So here I am.

Alone.

Again.

Drinking alone on a Saturday Night.

Watching SCTV on DVD.

Vaping some Bananaca(Cue BSP singing).

Wishing I had someone in my arms.

Wishing I had someone to love.

Wishing I was one of the 100 couples I saw tonight.

Oh well.

I know I will find someone. Someone who will love me. I just need to keep my chin up and bide my time until it happens.

One day I will meet that special someone.

One day.

I got a message from her today. She is cancelling her phone and her facebook, and wants the kids to drop theirs too. Apparently she pissed off someone at the Y and is now being harassed.

She also said she is still moving, but I saw on her daughter’s facebook that she is not. I don’t know what’s going on there.

Oh yeah, and she also asked if I would mind if she started dating again.

Ugh.

I have no clue what’s going on over there. From what I can gather, she left me because she was talking to some old friend on Facebook and wanted to be with him. Then I saw some things that made me think she was already seeing him. Now I guess she isn’t seeing him yet, but will be soon. I guess she just wanted to wait until she had permission.

I told her I was ok with it. After all, there is no chance of reconciliation. There’s no reason why we should not start to get on with our lives.

I just wish she had asked me this last week.

This Saturday is my company Christmas party(Yes, I know it’s November. Yes, I know it’s not even Thanksgiving yet. Yes, I know my company is weird.) I would have tried to find a date for it if I had known I was allowed to. Now it’s rather late to find someone.

I have been honing my skills, though. On Sunday I had to go to Radio Shack for a new power supply for my computer. The lady who helped me was very attractive and nice. While I know that she has to be nice to everyone, I must say that I was completely on my game. I was flirting away and making great jokes. I was in the zone! lol. Had I known I could have asked her out, I probably would have hung out there a little longer and made a move. Dagnabbit.

The problem I face right now is that I live in a small town, so there are slim pickings, and I don’t get out much, so I don’t have much opportunity to meet new people. I have been hanging out with friends more, but we mostly just have parties with the same people. No one new. And most of the ladies I know are in relationships. And of course, since it’s a college town, most f the single ladies are college age. I am a little old to be chasing 21-year-olds(not that that will stop me!).

I’m not in a hurry to start dating again, but it sure would be nice. I miss the comfort of having someone to talk to(Twitter just doesn’t cut it sometimes). I miss having a lady to cuddle up next to. Someone to just lie on the couch with. And of course there are certain 2-person activities that I miss as well. ;)

I’m not necessarily lonely. I am good on my own. In fact, I actually prefer to be alone some of the time. I just would like someone to be with occasionally. Someone to call up when I’m bored. Someone to see on the weekends when nothing else is going on. Well, I haven’t had a weekend where nothing was going on in a long time, but you get the point.

Oh well. No point in pushing it. It’ll happen when it happens. I just need to wait for that special someone to come along.

I just hop it doesn’t take too long. I’m not getting any younger, after all.

<3

I just found out some interesting news and just felt the need to share.

A little backstory:

My soon-to-be-ex had no job when she left me 2 1/2 months ago. She was a full-time student, and was going to try to live off her loans. She wound up having to get a part-time job. Then she decided to quit school and get a second part-time job. She is apparently still not able to make ends meet.

She told me today that she finally found a job, but it is an hour away, so she is moving.

She is uprooting her kids from the town they have lived in and the friends they have known for over 6 years. She is moving farther away from all of her friends. She said that she was unable to find anything else and this is the only option. If she doesn’t do this, she will be homeless by the end of the month.

I feel very sorry for the kids. They were in a pretty good school and had lots of friends. Now they will be the new kids and I don’t know how the schools are out there. I do know they don’t have nearly as much to do out there as there is here, so they will probably be pretty bored.

I have found more and more evidence lately that my STBE actually left me so she could be with another man. This explains her rush to leave and her rush to file the divorce papers, even though she had no money. Now she is paying for her lack of planing.

Had she held out for a few more months until taxes came in, we both would have had enough money to go our separate ways and be ok. The way this happened, we are both in strained financial situations. Fortunately for me, I was able to work over a hundred hours of overtime last month. Without that, I would be in the same situation.

I wanted to share this story because I know there are several people who read this blog who are in various stages of breakups. Please take a close look at your finances before making this decision. Make sure that you are going to be ok. A little planning makes a huge difference.

So please, if you are in a similar situation, please look before you leap. I know some people need to get out as fast as possible, but if you can wait a month and be in a better financial situation, please do so. Especally if you have children.

Anyways, I just wanted to share this with everyone. Please take care of yourselves.

I can’t even describe how much I don’t want to work on my store right now. So I figured I would blog a little so I have an excuse to not work on it. I only get one day off this week and don’t want to spend the whole day sitting at a computer.

I’ve discovered a few more items lost in the move. My Swordfish DVD(which I always loop in the player whenever I write code) all of my They Might Be Giants CDs(which I play when cleaning), my dog’s jacket(Shut up, she’s a small short-haired dog and gets cold in the winter) and the spatula from my Foreman grill have all gone missing. I don’t know what of this stuff was sold at our garage sale, given to Salvation Army, taken by the STBE, or thrown away by her parents. Hooray for fucked up moves.

I know the STBE has my afghan blanket, which was made for me by my first wife’s mother. She also has my Cisco Laser mod. I bought the laser mod for her at Vapefest in hopes that she would see that I always thought of her and cared about her, but she didn’t care and never even used the thing. So, I figure since she’s not using it and I want it, she should give it back. Only fair, right? She said she will give that stuff back if/when she ever actually looks for it.

I finally got through all of my boxes. At least now I know what I do and don’t have. I still haven’t unpacked them all yet, but I have at least looked inside each one. lol

My parents came down on their way to Vegas last Sunday. They brought me a bunch of stuff I left in Michigan 6 years ago when I moved to Kansas. Lots of tools, a TV, some clothes, and a dozen bottles of Faygo. If you don’t know what Faygo is, it is the greatest soda known to man, and a product of the Great Lake State. For those who do know what it is, Rock & Rye is total win! It’s not as awesome as Vernors, but hey, what is?

Side note: Pump Up The Volume is like the awesomest movie ever.

I wish I had more to say about my divorce. That’s what this blog was supposed to be for. But honestly, I am so over it there’s nothing left to say.

Our marriage had really ended a long time ago. Maybe the relationship was over before we even got married. Who knows? I do know that I am not grieving anymore over it. I am not even upset. It is what it is. I don’t hate her for leaving. I don’t wish bad things on her(Though I really don’t have to, since she is having a much rougher time since we separated than I am). I wish her well. She just wants something I can’t provide. I hope she finds it someday. Truth is, I need something she couldn’t provide. She needs someone who is more clingy, I need someone more independent. We just weren’t right for each other.

I will tell you this though, I never realized how boring my life had become until I started this blog. I just don’t have anything interesting going on right now. All I have done is go to work, go home, repeat. I really need to get out more. Maybe I need to start bar-hopping again. I don’t know.

I’ve really just been blah lately. You know? Not happy or sad or any emotion really. Just in a state of existence. I don’t know. Not like numb or anything. And I don’t think it’s about the divorce really. It’s just more about the boredom of my life. Maybe I just need a vacation. I don’t know.

Well, my movie is almost over. The good part is about to start, so I’m gonna go chill on the couch for a little bit then back to working on the store.

Thanks for reading. <3 you all.

And always remember…Talk Hard!